There are important things in your control, but most everything in the world is outside your control and influence. We own our character, choices, efforts, intentions, and responses, and expecting to control things outside of yourself leads to frustration, regret, suffering, and unhappiness.

In Discourse on Method, René Descartes (1596–1650), considered the father of modern philosophy, shared how to be content and satisfied in life:

My third maxim was to try always to master myself rather than fortune, and change my desires rather than changing how things stand in the world. This involved getting the habit of believing that nothing lies entirely within our power except our thoughts, so that after we have done our best in dealing with matters external to us, whatever we fail to achieve is absolutely impossible so far as we are concerned. This seemed to me to be enough, all by itself, to prevent me from having unsatisfied desires and thus to make me content. For it is the nature of our will to want only what our intellect presents to it as somehow possible; so if we regard all external goods as equally beyond our power, that will certainly save us from regrets over not having goods that seem to be our birthright but which we are deprived of through no fault of our own, any more than we regret not owning the kingdom of China or of Mexico!

This aligns with what the Stoics had practiced centuries earlier as our “sphere of control.” They taught that having an expectation of control over outside opinions, outcomes, and people will lead to suffering.

But learning to control our desires and let go of expectations isn’t easy. Descartes recognized this struggle — and the ultimate success of these ancient philosophers:

But I admit that it takes long practice and repeated meditation to get used to seeing everything in this light. I think this was the secret of those philosophers of old who could escape from being dominated by fortune and, despite suffering and poverty, could rival their gods in happiness. By constantly busying themselves with thoughts about the limits that nature had placed on them, they became thoroughly convinced that nothing was in their power except their own thoughts, which was enough to prevent them from being attracted to other things. They were so absolutely in control of their thoughts that this gave them some reason to think themselves richer, more powerful, freer and happier than any men who — however favored by nature and fortune they may be — don’t have this philosophy and so never get such control over all their desires.

So, focus on areas where you have real control or influence, act firmly, and try to achieve the best possible outcomes. But, once you have done what you reasonably can, accept the outcome, recognize it was not possible, and release any disappointment, regret, and torment.

Easy, right?

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